The 12 Steps of Christmas

Jesus, Dad, Santa, Self, Recovery

1. We admitted we were powerless over seasonal affect disorder - that our winter moods had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that believing in something unbelievable could restore our happiness.

3. Conscious of the lie, we turned our lives and finances over to Santa and Christmas Spirit

4. Used Santa mythology to give ourselves and each other covert attitude guilt trips...

5. There was no need to admit anything, because Santa watches us, even while we're sleeping.

OK, this is getting creepy.

After several years of toying with the idea of writing my life story, I have to admit that such introspection feels completely unmanageable to me. My memories have been untapped, running and ruining my life, shrouded in mental confusion, and hidden from view by my instinctive urges to find distracting relief from the distress of peering into their darkness.  I've known I needed help, perhaps a framework or philosophy, something.  I used to think that Jesus would keep me straight.  In a way, he did, but facing the visions of my traumatic childhood has proven to be too much for me without a more tangible, effective helper.

Three months ago, I decided to try the 12 steps of recovery as a way of gaining that feeling of sanity, something I've never really had except in periods of complete denial.  Jesus was good for that.  I knew I needed something more.  Will the steps work for me?  I don't know.  I don't really believe any power outside of myself is going to do this work on my behalf.  So, in my step work, I'm mainly trying to rewrite the 12 steps in a way that makes some kind of sense to me.  Here's what I've got so far:

Step #1 We admitted that our lives had become unmanageable
   
     I had this one down already.  Hiding in my closet as a toddler, listening to my dad beating my mom half to death in the next room, I was deeply aware that serenity was out of my hands.  As an adult, trying to write this story, I recycle that same feeling of powerlessness.  I'll write a nice blog entry, feel the burn, and then I'll pay for it in deep mental strife for days afterward.  This is when I feel driven to salve my mind with romantic preoccupation and sex.  Is it healthy? Am I an addict? I don't know, but I do wish my life was operating in a more manageable range.  Fair enough Step #1, fair enough.

Step #2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

     Studying this one, I realize it's a well-worn step for me.  As a child, I truly was and felt as though I was at the mercy of my mother and father. Looking to adults for salvation was reasonable and natural. "Mom, do you see me over here? Make him take the knife out of my mouth. Don't let him cook me in the oven. Please stand up with me so he stops knocking the wind out of me."
     "Dad, now that you've killed my mom, please have mercy on me and stop threatening to kill me. Dad, please stop spending so many hours tearing me down verbally and physically.  Dad, please stop fondling me and threatening to rape me again."
     And later, "Hey pretty girl, please keep making me feel lovable.  Hey pretty girl, please keep responding with love when I push you away.  Hey, pretty girl, why won't you just be everything I think I need and make my life all better?"
     "Hey God, how come you can't help either?"  Why do I think I can't be sane without outside help?  And, if I accept that, doesn't it mean that I've surrendered to the belief that I'll always be crazy?  No thanks.  I know I came to believe, over the course of my life, that feeling sane in my own head was outside of the grasp of my own self.  I'm just not so convinced anymore that anything or anyone outside of my head has any clue how to fix me, much less the ability or willingness.

Step #3 Made a conscious decision to turn our lives and wills over to God as we understood God

     Holy Fuck!!!  What am I supposed to do with that? I will not turn my life and will over to someone else's ideas of the ideal for human life. Don't tell me, member of some popular religion, that turning my life and will over to the God of your understanding will help me in some way. That god hasn't healed me yet. The healing I've gotten has been the healing I pursued. It's been hard work. Honestly, if continuing with the 12 steps required standard acceptance of the Christian god, I would just hang it up right now.

So, if I won't turn my life and will over to Yahweh, how will I utilize Step #3?.  If we can imagine the world of the mind as a huge thought-producing machine, my conscious awareness is a light shining on part of it. Sometimes I'm aware of the bigger picture, to varying degrees. Sometimes, the light of my consciousness is focused rather sharply on the needs or worries of the moment. Sometimes, I have little awareness outside of my anger at the driver who just cut me off.  With that kind of transient awareness, it's easy, in the absence of a set structure like a god, to find myself drifting through a random sea of mental and emotional priorities in life.  If I can have an idea in mind of another mind, a mind that does not shift from it's highest ideals, then that mind within my mind can be my guide into Step #4.  Ok, I'll do it.

Step #4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

I know I'm fighting the wording of the steps all along here, but this one presents some serious problems for me. The designers of the steps want me to look at myself, take inventory, inventory of my moral self. "Moral" implies judgment. Am I to look at myself from a place of judgment? "Fearless" is there because they knew that this step would take people like me into what is normally very frightening mental territory. No one has to be told to be fearless regarding any particular pending adventure unless fear is going to be a factor.

So, first I will acknowledge that, in looking within, fear is a factor for me. How can I fearlessly search through the feelings and coping mechanisms I carry from watching motionlessly while my dad murdered his girlfriend? How can discovering why I waited 23 years to come forward not lead me into places in my heart and soul which will be frightening? I've been feeling and facing those fears for many years now. The stories connected to them are extreme, but fear of looking within is the same for all of us.

Fear of shame keeps us from looking, keeps us making up stories about who we are, keeps us acting out coping behaviors, and keeps us from facing and accepting ourselves in a way that allows us to be transformed and truly happier.  Here, a friend like Jesus can be helpful, especially if the Jesus we imagine loves and accepts us along the way. I don't like the 12-step language that makes this step into an inventory of "defects."  It's important to identify shame that we have, but even more important to keep from feeling extra shame about having it.  This is where a non-judgmental "higher power" to keep me company and help me remember the bigger picture can be very helpful.

I'm not going to share my 4th step work here. It's for me. For now, I just wanted to share my process in struggling with the steps themselves. This blog entry is feeling convoluted and complicated to me, but, then again, that complication accurately portrays my mental experience in regards to God and Step work.  When I share my thoughts on God with people, I often illicit responses obviously designed to educate me about the nature of God which people think I have missed.  The responses are canned. I've heard them before, many times over the years, repeated in sermons, songs, and shared first-hand from fellow churchgoers.  Be sure of this, if you learned it in church, I've already learned it, taught it, rethought it, stopped repeating it, and, in some cases, thought out a better way to express the idea. In church, they often told me "don't put God in a box." Years of Bible reading while being beaten by an adamant believer in the angry, judgmental, murderous, insecure God in its pages will apparently cause a person to think outside of the box.

I don't believe in a god or gods actually existing as beings. I believe religious concepts are the concepts of human beings. Religions reflect us more than they reflect the mythological beings represented. Take the 12-steps for instance. They work if we work them. No matter what we think of God or his/her role in our recovery, nothing happens until we do it. Why do I bother with discussion of God when I don't even believe in one? I think the construct is useful.  To understand my religious approach, consider adults who promote Santa Claus mythology even though they haven't really believed in Santa since they were kids. Christmas spirit is still considered worthwhile. That's how I am about God in my step work. I've got to keep my head when I plunge into the depths of horror in my mind. I've had to reject long-held ideas about God and myself in favor of keeping what works. That's been hard, but I believe it's what's meant by Jesus' parables about the judgment.

As far as corporate application of my personal theories of God:

People who think things will work out tend to be happier.
They also ignore that most of us are suffering.
Which is horribly invalidating to those of us who suffer.
So many things aren't working out for so many people,
and it's considered healthy for individuals to imagine
that things will work out for them even while they
participate in perpetuating the system that
produces the suffering? Is it ok that children starve as long
as you get to go to heaven when you die?
 No, that's not the right
approach to happiness.

Collectively, things could work out for us. That's a better
approach. Think how much happiness is multiplied in the
face of selfless kindness. Even in our flawed social systems,
people rise to the challenges and manage to pay it forward.

I want to help move us all forward with my story. I'm just seeing
that our ideas about God, money, family, civic responsibility,
and personal happiness are all standing in the way of that movement.
So understanding God and the human condition is my chosen work.
Keep reading my blog to see if my system of thought works for me.
Take what works for you.
And, if I'm ever in a position to start the revolution, think about
following fearlessly. A worldwide, collectively approached searching
and fearless moral inventory of humanity as it is could be the thing
that saves kids like me from being tragically abused in the first place.
May it be so.

© Ernest Samuel Christie III 2013